The ESPYs – A running journal as it happens
Two main characters in the 2010 ESPY Awards
I adore the ESPYs. I can’t really pinpoint where my fascination for the ESPYs comes from; if it’s the awkward moments that superstars have when they are forced to make a 30 second speech without a sports reporter jamming a microphone in their face, the video presentations that display the art that is sport, or the fact that I just like watching the most beautiful women on the planet strut their stuff on stage. But, every year I find myself captivated with ESPN’s grand spectacle.
So, this year I was devastated to learn that instead of watching my beloved ESPYs on live television, I’d undergo the colossal task of spending a day in New York City and shopping. I decided to take a page out of Bill Simmons’ playbook, and write a diary on the ESPYs as I watched them back on TiVo.
Pre Opening Video Montage: My expectations are skyrocketing as this show opens up. This better be good. ESPN has so much money and time to put these things together that I should experience an onslaught of emotions (I should want to laugh, cry, and feel like I want to jump out of my La-Z-Boy ultra-comfortable couch) as I watch this past year in sports.
Post Montage: Yes. I wish Marv Albert were in the room because he could perfectly describe my feelings after watching that piece. Maybe I’m a sucker for watching sports highlight films, but this one had all that I was looking for. The music was a bit weak, but that doesn’t really matter at all. I will hug whoever is the brainchild behind that operation.
Will Seth Meyers be funny? Let’s hope so — he sure is loud. To be fair he’s the most funny comedian on SNL so I think he’s a wise host choice. Remember when LeBron hosted the ESPYs back in 07′? Just think, what if he hosted them now? Would he get tomatoes thrown at him?
Meyers begins the night with a bang. Quick, snappy jokes that actually made me giggle (and I’m supposed to be a super cool 18 year old). It’s beyond me as to why Brett Favre would ever show up at the ESPYs — he’s just going to get torn apart and bombarded by questions. Maybe he likes the attention or maybe the after parties are crazy or something. I laughed when Meyers picked on him, but more so when he ate LeBron for breakfast. “Every team that has won a championship has done it without LeBron James,” and other jabs aimed at LBJ had me wishing that I too had millions of people watching and laughing with me while I got to tear down a self proclaimed King. Other highlights in Meyers’ brilliantly crafted opening segment included “This is where sports and entertainment come together — like the Kardashian sisters’ bedroom,” and “Everyone give it up for Tiger Woods…if you haven’t already.”
Marisa Miller and Chris Bosh present Best Breakthrough Athlete. I’d marry her. Or pay a large sum of money just to meet her. Chris Johnson wins the award (obviously). He bears a striking resemblance to Lil’ Wayne. Promotes his Twitter account in his thank you speech = loss of respect in my mind.
Please watch this. It’s only 3 minutes long. Make space on the ground because you will be Rolling on The Floor Laughing. Steve Carell is a very very funny man.
ESPN Classic parody presents Best Play. Steve Carell makes these guys look about as funny as a white wall. Oh, nevermind. Guess you have to text in your vote because it’s a fan vote. Hard to believe Stokely’s game winning TD isn’t an option.
Shaun White and Lindsay Vohn present Best Record Breaking Performance. I’d vote for UConn women’s basketball or Usain Bolt. White looks like he’s wearing an outfit made by Hugh Heffner. Isner and Mahut win. The mic goes up to Isner’s belt buckle, so that makes for some unintended comedy.
Andy Samberg tries to be funny as Paul the Psychic Octopus. He’s no Carell. Not worth giving you the link. I fast forwarded through the end of this skit.
Jim Joyce and Armando Galarraga meet again on stage to present Best Moment. I ripped Joyce apart at first, but I give the guy credit and I now can confirm that I like him because he displayed some serious stones and did the right thing and stood up for his mistake. Lots of fantastic moments to choose from. I have seen Landon Donovan’s goal vs. Algeria at least 30 times and I get goosebumps every time. It wins. I’m secretly hoping they’ll replay the highlight again.
Seth Meyers looks so calm, chill, and awesome. Man Crush is growing.
Tracy Morgan and Ashley Greene present Best Upset. I’ve never seen Ms. Greene but I would not be disappointed if I saw her again. Great video montage of the nominees (all of them have been, but this one stood out because Eminem was blaring in the background). Northern Iowa wins, but if you had been following NCAA basketball closely this wouldn’t have been such an earth shattering upset, in my opinion. By the way, Morgan is not funny at all, I would not be disappointed if I never heard him speak again.
Meyers with a musical parody. Not the best, but he gets a free pass because he’s dominating thus far.
Zac Efron and January Jones present Best US Male Olympian. I wonder if I should name my child in 20 years December Kristy? Has to be Shuan White. It is. Shocker.
The Arthur Ashe Award for Courage presented by Brett Favre. I currently feel like an ignoramus for my earlier comment about Favre. Brett, if you ever read this, I’m sorry. The winner is Coach Ed Thomas and his family. I’ve read so much about this man and this astonishing story — and Thomas undoubtedly deserved this award. Mr. Thomas rebuilt the Parkersburg football field and Parkersburg after it was demolished by a tornado, only to be murdered by a former player a year after. Tremendous story, overwhelming character of the affected people involved, many many wet eyes after watching this piece. Worth every second of viewing. A story that will stay with you for a long time. Thomas’ son uncoils a poised speech that wraps everything up wonderfully.
In a change of pace, Will Ferrell mocks the vuvuzela. Meyers, “You are average at blowing that thing.” Ferrell, “That’s what she said.” Meyers, “What..wait..” It’s better than that, but it’s hard to write Ferrell’s humor in black ink.
Mark Wahlberg and Entourage good looking girl present Best Female Athlete. Marky Mark tries to flirt with Good Looking Girl by going off the teleprompter and ends up looking ridiculous. Lindsey Vohn wins, in a sort of weak field of competitors.
ESPN parody’s The Blind Side. Peyton Manning gets kidnapped by Sandra Bullock and is held hostage; she makes him play on the offensive line and join the family. Good stuff.
Brooklyn Decker and another guy present some award. Brooklyn Decker. Brooklyn Decker presents Best Play. I will not watch the presentation because A. Brooklyn Decker and B. I know Favre to Greg Lewis will win it because football is so popular. However, I hope this was in serious contention.
Stuart Scott and Samuel L. Jackson present the Jimmy V Award for Perseverance to Coach George Karl. I knew his story on paper, but once you see the images of him and his battle, you gain more respect for what that man has had to overcome. Love to hear/see these stories of men and women staring defeat in the eyes and overcoming obstacles such as cancer. Inspirational, moving, and justified winner in Mr. Karl.
Danica Patrick and Luke Wilson present Best Male Athlete. You can’t pick LeBron. If you pick Kobe, then you have to ask then why wasn’t he MVP? Jimmie Johnson is very possible. Albert Pujols maybe, but he didn’t win a championship, so no. Drew Brees is the favorite because he played outstanding, avoided controversy and led his team to a championship. He wins in (probably) a tight vote against Johnson.
Kenny Chesney presents Best Team. I’m pulling for the UConn women’s basketball team or the Chicago Blackhawks because they both overcame odds (long winning streak hiccup, jinx) to win a championship. But, in the back of my mind I feel like the Yankees or Saints will win because of sheer popularity. New Orleans wins, and saves me from having to write about why I despise the Yankees.
Overall, I’m very happy with the way I spent the last 2 hours and 26 minutes of my life. The ESPYs were informative, exciting, chuckleworthy and inspiring. If I had to rate it, I’d say a 4 out of 5. I’m not sure what a 5 out of 5 awards show looks like, but this was pretty damn close.
Looking forward to this next year of sports and not looking forward to writing another one of these diaries as it is currently 2:13 A.M.. Major props to Bill Simmons for cranking these things out.
Nice post!
Flying Tech